It’s time for the feature of our January issue! In case you missed it, The Civilian is debuting a “magazine” format… you can peruse my favorite things here and design your ultimate reading vacation here.
But today! Yes! I get to share a conversation I had with one of the smartest people I know, Kristen Brown.
But first, a little background:
Right after the holidays, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and a purpose: to make a list of what successfully worked for my family this holiday season, and what…did not. I typed it up, sent an email to myself, and set the “snooze” feature on Gmail to December 1, 2023. This move—genius, if I do say so myself—is to save future me a lot of trouble and headaches during the trying (yet joyful!) future holiday season.
One big thing that was on my “success” list: a meeting that my husband and I had at the beginning of the holiday season. We sat down and talked through gifts, parties, food, travel, and any other holiday tasks we could think of. We listed everything and divided the tasks according to each other’s skills and the time each had available.
Maybe it sounds a little nerdy, but the stark and amazing truth is that this relieved a large part of the invisible load of the holidays.
What is the invisible load?
Although it’s likely been around since the first cave family, this phrase gained a spotlight during the pandemic when parents were stressed to the max working from home without childcare. I think this definition from the BBC describes it best:
Experts say that this hidden work comes in three overlapping categories. There’s cognitive labour – which is thinking about all the practical elements of household responsibilities, including organising playdates, shopping and planning activities. Then there’s emotional labour, which is maintaining the family’s emotions; calming things down if the kids are acting up or worrying about how they are managing at school. Third, the mental load is the intersection of the two: preparing, organising and anticipating everything, emotional and practical, that needs to get done to make life flow.1
While there are certainly many exceptions, this invisible load is typically taken on by women, mothers, and/or primary caregivers. Research shows that even in households that aim to share tasks in a 50:50 arrangement, the result can still be one partner bearing more than their share of cognitive labor.2
Luckily for us, attorney and philanthropist Eve Rodsky has developed Fair Play—a beautiful communication tool for partners, spouses, and co-parents to use to ease a bit of this tension.
I first heard about Fair Play from the social media posts of my friend Kristen Brown. Kristen is a successful business owner, and like many of us, has experienced the struggles of balancing all the responsibilities of work and family. I invited her to record a conversation with me about the benefits of Eve Rodsky’s book and how it invites us to have open, constructive, and continuous conversations about the invisible workload. Here are some of the things we cover:
Fair Play is not a whining book; it is a solutions book. Rodsky offers a framework to discuss challenging issues in a way that will be constructive rather than lead to conflict.
A relationship can be akin to both parents acting as owners of a company, not the mom as the owner and the dad as the employee or vice versa.
Couples can strive for equitable load-sharing, which does not necessarily mean 50:50. It’s about what works best for your family.
What resonated with you in this conversation? How does your household divide some of this cognitive labor? I’d love to hear from you!
For next week—I’m trying to decide if I should, as a bonus, share my thoughts on Spare by Prince Harry. Have we reached market oversaturation or is it still worth discussing?
I’ll see what you all think and design my bonus material accordingly. :) Until then!
Lightening the Invisible Load